i got your branding right here.
occasionally a jake will have business chats with friends. under the guise of sharing ideas and helping out (but really just looking at things to jump in on, partner up, find opportunities to bite off a nice juicy piece).
had one the other day. with the #1 all time most annoying theme.
must. rant. must. get. out. poison.
dude was talking about branding. design. target audience. all the things all of mainstream 101 business and websites and every sales pitch ever that startup dudes get to hear.
make your website. build a brand. yadi yada.
fuck. your. brand. (not you specifically. you = them)
nobody gives a flying fuck about any of it. you know what matters? dollars. dollars in your bank account. sell some shit. let it be shit, figuratively. sell it. sell it. SELL IT.
my take on any business is like it’s a baby chick, and you’re the mama hen. if the thing doesn’t get up and chirp and eat, doesn’t follow you around, then fuck it. got plenty more, weak chick doesn’t get fuck all.
cursing, jake. tone it down.
sell that shit. show me the money. if you spent more on your branding and web shit and shit in general than you made from the selling first then don’t call me again.
while we’re at it. forget branding. let’s talk product.
fuck your product.
mandatory book reading before starting a business: “the difference between god and larry ellison” mandatory homework, what did you learn.
spoiler alert: ellison got fuck-you rich selling a product to the government that didn’t even work.
not even remotely.
oracle 1.0 wasn’t even shit. it was less than shit. it was the tiny fart the fly squeezed out after inhaling the smell of shit. and ellison sold it. and then version 2.0, which wasn’t much more than a fly fart. and 3.0. and so on, none of it working worth a crap.
you sell it. you get the money, you put it in the bank, you turn around to your customer and you go. oh. you wanted this working? wait for 2.0, i’ll give you a special deal.
you think i’m stupid.
look at apple’s macbook, from last year. keyboard that isn’t even usable. that’s how it’s done. oh, you hate the keyboard? wait till next year’s update! you’ll love it!
fuck any fuck who either 1) works on branding or 2) spends a dime on product development, before SELLING.
your sales team should be ten times as big as your development team.
think about it. one of the richest dudes on earth, larry the pimp ellison, sold hundreds of thousands of dollars of database software to the government, while none of that stuff remotely worked. apple’s balls, selling that joke of a laptop with that joke of a keyboard. they came back literally a few months later and literally called the keyboard that needed to be in there, “version 2.0”. it’s right in front of your face, how it’s done.
anything besides selling is cleaning your room instead of doing your homework. doing curls instead of squats. texting your friends instead of saying hi to that slut over at the bar.
or fine, last one.
if you say but jake, it needs a hook. it needs face, a thing people remember. sure ok. call it, fuck you. fuckyousauce.
if you come to me, i say handicap it. make sure that egg will hatch by putting on some superglue. make sure that chick really is properly strong, get out of that fucker. yes hello i’m calling about our new product, fuckyousauce.
warm up by punching yourself in the nuts. cherish the feeling. do some squats till it burns, till your legs give out, and now realize that the guy who’s actually built is going to do six more when that feeling sets in. that’s why he’s big and you’re not (and i’m not). that’s why larry’s got a pile of bitches on his giant yacht, and you’re reading affiliate marketing ebooks. face all the rejections, the fears, kill your darlings, build your confidence, stack some dollars in the bank.
let’s digress on all that business talk.
more important announcement: wind. as i recently discovered, you honestly haven’t lived till you ride down a 10 foot wave in an ocean filled with 10 foot waves, with at least 30 knots of wind howling overhead. that’s some crack, right there. forget branding, sell some fuck you, and then learn to kitesurf. in waves, not flat water. proper, proper crack high for you.
and remember. the only thing you’re supposed to be building, is the sales pitch.