key branding & marketing strategies 2.0

i got your branding right here.

occasionally a jake will have business chats with friends.  under the guise of sharing ideas and helping out (but really just looking at things to jump in on, partner up, find opportunities to bite off a nice juicy piece).

had one the other day.  with the #1 all time most annoying theme.

must. rant. must. get. out. poison.

dude was talking about branding.  design.  target audience.  all the things all of mainstream 101 business and websites and every sales pitch ever that startup dudes get to hear.

make your website.  build a brand.  yadi yada.

fuck you.

fuck. your. brand.  (not you specifically.  you = them)

nobody gives a flying fuck about any of it.  you know what matters?  dollars.  dollars in your bank account.  sell some shit.  let it be shit, figuratively.  sell it.  sell it.  SELL IT.

my take on any business is like it’s a baby chick, and you’re the mama hen.  if the thing doesn’t get up and chirp and eat, doesn’t follow you around, then fuck it.  got plenty more, weak chick doesn’t get fuck all.

cursing, jake.  tone it down.

sell that shit.  show me the money.  if you spent more on your branding and web shit and shit in general than you made from the selling first then don’t call me again.

while we’re at it.  forget branding.  let’s talk product.

fuck your product.

mandatory book reading before starting a business:  “the difference between god and larry ellison”  mandatory homework, what did you learn.

spoiler alert:  ellison got fuck-you rich selling a product to the government that didn’t even work.

not even remotely.

oracle 1.0 wasn’t even shit.  it was less than shit.  it was the tiny fart the fly squeezed out after inhaling the smell of shit.  and ellison sold it.  and then version 2.0, which wasn’t much more than a fly fart.  and 3.0.  and so on, none of it working worth a crap.

you sell it.  you get the money, you put it in the bank, you turn around to your customer and you go.  oh.  you wanted this working?  wait for 2.0, i’ll give you a special deal.

you think i’m stupid.

look at apple’s macbook, from last year.  keyboard that isn’t even usable.  that’s how it’s done.  oh, you hate the keyboard?  wait till next year’s update!  you’ll love it!

fuck any fuck who either 1) works on branding or 2) spends a dime on product development, before SELLING.

your sales team should be ten times as big as your development team.



think about it.  one of the richest dudes on earth, larry the pimp ellison, sold hundreds of thousands of dollars of database software to the government, while none of that stuff remotely worked.  apple’s balls, selling that joke of a laptop with that joke of a keyboard.  they came back literally a few months later and literally called the keyboard that needed to be in there, “version 2.0”.  it’s right in front of your face, how it’s done.

anything besides selling is cleaning your room instead of doing your homework.  doing curls instead of squats.  texting your friends instead of saying hi to that slut over at the bar.

or fine, last one.

if you say but jake, it needs a hook.  it needs face, a thing people remember.  sure ok.  call it, fuck you.  fuckyousauce.

if you come to me, i say handicap it.  make sure that egg will hatch by putting on some superglue.  make sure that chick really is properly strong, get out of that fucker.  yes hello i’m calling about our new product, fuckyousauce.

warm up by punching yourself in the nuts.  cherish the feeling.  do some squats till it burns, till your legs give out, and now realize that the guy who’s actually built is going to do six more when that feeling sets in.  that’s why he’s big and you’re not (and i’m not).  that’s why larry’s got a pile of bitches on his giant yacht, and you’re reading affiliate marketing ebooks.  face all the rejections, the fears, kill your darlings, build your confidence, stack some dollars in the bank.

let’s digress on all that business talk.

more important announcement:  wind.  as i recently discovered, you honestly haven’t lived till you ride down a 10 foot wave in an ocean filled with 10 foot waves, with at least 30 knots of wind howling overhead.  that’s some crack, right there.  forget branding, sell some fuck you, and then learn to kitesurf.  in waves, not flat water.  proper, proper crack high for you.

and remember.  the only thing you’re supposed to be building, is the sales pitch.


  1. Krautz

    February 16, 2017 at 3:01 am

    Do you have an ebook info product good sir about how to sell. Thank you very much

    • Glengarry

      February 16, 2017 at 9:19 pm

      Every sales/marketing system that’s documented gets copied and spammed and doesn’t work after a few years. Always figure out new angles. Put yourself in the other guy’s shoes and understand your market of buyers.

      Join a suitable BigCo and learn selling on their dime. You will know when you’ve figured it out, because you will be driving a sports car. When you leave, you probably won’t need this advice, but quietly rip off the table of guys who liked you. That’s a good start, at least for B2B. Make sure BigCo doesn’t hate you forever afterwards.

      • Krautz

        February 16, 2017 at 9:41 pm

        I was joking, but good advice.

        What if you already have a sports car but no sales skills 😉

        • Glengarry

          February 17, 2017 at 5:11 pm

          As The Guru told me in a dream, you must then get your car a custom license plate, e.g., FCKSAUCE.

          Plate texts preapproved by The Guru are available at only 1 BTC each (1.50 BTC for limos). During the introductory period, they are also complimentary user names for the secret island, aka “Elite Visas”.

  2. kyle

    February 16, 2017 at 5:18 am

    so photos of hot bitches w/ the product + “fuck you pay me” + mediocre product – customer service = P R O F I T

    got it

    • Afox

      February 16, 2017 at 7:57 am

      I saw a guy recently who takes photos of hot girls with products for a living. His sales pitch… “if you want to sell something, stick a naked girl next to it”

      That’s his whole gig right there. No fancy pants startup talk, no branding. Naked girls, your product.

      Low cost genius

      • Mark

        February 17, 2017 at 10:07 pm


  3. Afox

    February 16, 2017 at 8:00 am

    In my main business, I wrote about this topic a couple of weeks back. Didn’t use all the expletives though.

    Crazy that branding is the new “it thing” like lifehacks for nerds and mindset… whatever that is.

    So I engage in the business of making people more money, and some dopes say “we understand you can make us more money, but what can you do for our BRAND?”

    I despair

    • jakey

      February 17, 2017 at 2:14 am

      heh. no matter how little i do and how poorly i do it, keep meeting people (idiots) and am left thinking … fuck, i need to put in less effort.

  4. xsplat

    February 16, 2017 at 8:58 am

    Ya, everyone has their secret sauce.

    When I was a travelling salesman setting up tents in music festivals, one vendor would explain his secret; low end $1 to $3 dollar products.

    “That’s the way to go, man.”

    Another would explain her secret to success. “Big ticket items. That’s the real way to make money.”

    The low end guy would pull in his 3 grand for the day. The high end girl could also do well.

    Some people focus mostly on the product, and do very little advertisement.

    Some focus on the advertising.

    Yup. That’s the way to go. That’s the secret sauce.

    In hindsight, the secret sauce is what works. It’s not actually the sauce though.

  5. Hoho

    February 16, 2017 at 6:10 pm

    Great post. Launch products are often not “minimal” and could really just have used more marketing polish to reach a stratospheric launch. Just look at the amount of vaporware from crowdfunding campaigns.

    • jakey

      February 17, 2017 at 2:12 am

      yup. one of the sideshows is doing quite well, with no branding in sight anywhere. when i asked members about logos some of them actually were quite adamant about staying branding-free and minimal. some of that of course just people not liking change and this being what they’re sold on … but then also probably a reflection of really what is the jake “brand” of doing things. the patchy haired, ugly street dog that you get used to and would miss if he wasn’t there. 😀

      • Hoho

        February 17, 2017 at 4:16 am

        Brand without all the typical brand elements. Knowing you though it’s probably all in the copy, you have a way with words even though you may try to disagree 😉

        • jakey

          February 20, 2017 at 2:09 am

          not supposed to tell.

  6. Mob Barley

    February 17, 2017 at 5:20 am

    The iconoclast of the internets!!

  7. Peter

    February 17, 2017 at 8:38 am

    this is direct marketing 101 but a lot of people seem to have trouble grasping this concept… that a business should first of all make money

    Jake you

    • dl....

      February 19, 2017 at 7:26 am

      Can you post a link to something good/useful? From what I’ve seen online about direct response marketing, long form sales letters etc., all it seems good for is selling let-me-teach-you-to-be-rich schemes and dick pills and marketing courses. Is any of it useful in say selling widgets in B2B? Getting corporate clients to buy XYZ? Etc

      • jakey

        February 20, 2017 at 2:07 am

        the sell-you-crap things, very useful. at least the ones that are successful … just don’t buy their pitch, use their pitch. 😉

      • Peter

        February 20, 2017 at 5:57 am

        check out Dan Kennedy – No BS Direct Marketing
        you can pick it up for a couple of bucks on amazon.

        Another great one to start is his audio course Magnetic Millionaire.
        More pricy but also floating around on torrents.

        Those two will give you a solid foundation to make monies and a good grasp of what direct marketing is about. Hint: its not about selling dick pillss 😉

        Theres a reason you keep seeing long form sales letters, “scammy” looking copy and all that stuff… because it works.

        And yeah you can use those it in B2B too. I think DK has a book just focussed on B2B Marketing.

  8. Peter

    February 17, 2017 at 8:38 am

    … should check out Dan Kenndy (if you dont know him already). I think you would get along great.

    • jakey

      February 20, 2017 at 2:08 am

      guy who loves the ghetto suits, hates the internet, teaching vacuum cleaner sales?

  9. Voy

    February 22, 2017 at 9:26 am

    But jakes how will you efficiently productize 24/7 testing procedures effectively without focusing on leveraging existing performance based models in modern branding?

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