confidence vs. excellence

cambodia.

so many stories, not on the bloglet.  not like you should exactly live there while chronicling your (or others) crimes online.  six months (7?) of maybe deep end moments.

there is this cambodian american posse.

one guy in particular.  so chill, so friendly.  dark skinned, tattooed, a little short, a little stubby.  chillest guy you can imagine, but with a bit of a look that makes you go, oh oh. what if this dude were to stop smiling.

he doesn’t stop smiling, though.

but he has this thing where we’d all go out, to the backpacker and tourist and expat party spot.  we all get lit on cheap whiskey and chat up the whores.  and there’s always western little fuckhead dudes acting like assholes while drunk.

stubby’s favorite past time besides fucking, finding those backpackers.

he has this smile, like he’s really really happy right now.  a wiked, happy, and oh so dark smile.

that’s when you take a slow step back and get all tingles in anticipation.  you know this is going to be vicious.  stubby needles the dude, just mellow and funny.  backpacker dude goes to the gym and has a tribal tattoo thinks he’s all tough, against this short brown stubby guy.

and then out of nowhere, smiling stubby torpedos out an ugly, out-of-nowhere smash job right into backpack dude’s face.  so sudden, so fully violently ugly.  it’s jarring and fucks with your drunk vibes.  you go, oh shit.  shit.

he goes straight to the throat.  or the nose.  or the ear, for whatever reason he’s really into knocking you straight on your ear.  follow it up with another gratuitous bone crunching crack.  backpack fuck falling backwards, or jack knifing up in pain.  stubby still smiling his happy, content smile, never changing facial expression even once.

it’s so fucking dark and also comical.  you need another drink for sure.

where most people will posture and puff up (i would) and strut and pretend fight pushing each other, stubby just smiles and seems not that dangerous.  and then hurt you all sudden.  and bad.  it’s game over for backpack holiday.

a hobby, for stubby.  fucking up punks.

(background story, stubby is the son of cambodian immigrants,  he got kicked out of the US after serving time for some shit.  the US will do that, convict you, punish you, then send you to a country you never even been to.  they separated him from his kids who he’ll never get to see again unless he takes them away from good schools and into the shit jungle that is cambodia.  just imagine the seething, soul corroding, black and forever anger in that guy.  if a government separated me from my kids, i can’t even image.  seems he’s happy to take it out on anybody and everybody from the US.  and if you run into him late at night and talk some shit, you’ll get all the wrath of a psychopath who misses his children like nothing else in the world.   empty inside, can and wants to hurt you and everyone like you.  you’re not winning a fight in a place like that, against a guy like that.  he wants you to be in his hell.  he’s living for that moment, and he’s smiling, anticipating, getting ready to take you there right now. … just play nice when you travel.  stubby is out there.)

i didn’t learn much from this, don’t worry.  there’s going to be zero dangerousness coming from a jakey.

except the lesson of how confidence plays out.

when that guy smiles it’s from a place of so much darkness, your muscles and martial arts and muay thai mean nothing at all.  it’s so far beyond confidence that smile.  it’s cold, take-it-to-the-bank, absolute certainty.  picture that smile for a moment and feel your skin crawl.  there’s absolute confidence.  you read all about game and teasing girls and being confident and agree and amplify and the whatnots.  you maybe read me apparently sabotaging my businesses by being ridiculous and unprofessional.

or kitesurfing.  you know this was coming at some point.  jakey figured out how to ride one handed the other day.  lean back, one hand on the bar, shoulders turned outward, skimming the water with the other hand.

it’s so very fucking up there, with the feels.  all that’s missing is a trident.  pure magic.

what’s my point?

people spend too much time chasing confidence.  like chasing anything that isn’t earned yet.  like money.  not the right goal.  chase being awesome instead.  if you’re the meanest stubby dude, the smile will just be there (at what price though, right?).  when people tell you that you’re a little brown fuck and you don’t get mad, you get excited, then hey.  you’re there.  or a little less dark, when you say to the russian hottie, hey why are you russians so scared of everybody anyway.  and you hope she’ll get all mad at you and flustered. you’re there.  when the prospect customer says, well you know i’m not sure yet and you say, well you say nothing because fuck it, more time to kite then.  you’re there.

don’t let anybody try to sell you confidence.  confidence is what you get for being excellent (or terrible).

pursue excellence.  and don’t hit people.

11 Comments

  1. krautz

    February 25, 2017 at 3:25 am

    Did stubby just attack people randomly or did he interact with his victims first?

    His parents fucked up if he didn’t have a citizenship by that age.

    • jakey

      February 25, 2017 at 4:33 am

      was trying to explain this. stubby waits for people to start shit. but there are worse guys. mouthing in unknown territories is never a good idea.
      US will easily snatch your citizenship. for all the soft rhetoric from alt right, not sure how accurate that is. they also tried to take my status at one point. immigration officials hate everyone trying to get in or stay in.

      • krautz

        February 25, 2017 at 6:45 am

        Oh god yes, CBP are a bunch of butt hurt assholes about immigration. It’s fascinating. And now they feel enabled by the entire trump thing.

        From what I understand, if you got citizenship, and it wasn’t via fraud (and that is a court case), then you have it for life or voluntary renouncing pretty much. If you have a green card, it’s the same thing as a visa and they can do all sorts of stuff. I’m guessing this guy was still on a green card and maybe was a little bit too lazy to go apply for citizenship or similar.

        • Mark

          February 25, 2017 at 9:58 pm

          For being a bunch of butthurt assholes about immigration, there are a whole lot (tens of millions) of brown people in the US totally illegally, drawing welfare and shitting up cities.

          But I guess they get the anarchy, and we get the tyranny.

  2. Mark

    February 25, 2017 at 10:01 pm

    Sounds to me like you’re saying chase the dark soul.

    • jakey

      February 26, 2017 at 2:30 am

      nope. just hanging with neighbors.

  3. dl....

    February 26, 2017 at 2:26 am

    Those kinds of people are a force of nature. You can’t fake it til you make it to get THAT confidence.

  4. Dancing Joe Blow

    April 7, 2017 at 1:23 am

    ” like chasing anything that isn’t earned yet”

    How does one earn their awesomeness? Does everyone already have awesomeness? Is that why you’re saying to chase awesomeness instead of money and confidence? Cause I sure would like a little bit of confidence

    P.S that song choice was perfect!!

    • Dancing Joe Blow

      April 7, 2017 at 1:32 am

      or wait… Is excellence the only thing worth pursuing if not earned yet? Jakey creates more questions than answers

    • jakey

      April 7, 2017 at 5:19 am

      yea. chase awesomeness.

  5. Sam

    April 8, 2017 at 9:37 am

    People can be butthurt all they want but I’m totally 100% against illegal and legal immigration. I’ve been all over the country and I know the difference between areas with “diversity” and those that don’t have it and diversity is not all the joy it’s said to be. With the schools teaching that the White Man is pure evil and immigrants constantly telling us what we should do to not be “racist” and make them happy…well fuck you there’s a whole planet out there, leave, see if I care.

    “…whole lot (tens of millions) of brown people in the US totally illegally,…”

    It’s way, way, way more than that. They’ve been saying it’s 12 million for twenty years or more. The IRS did a limited audit of illegal SS numbers and if I remember correctly it was 33 million or so and that was…maybe a decade ago and only counted the ones paying taxes. If it’s less than 40 million(illegal)I would be shocked. It’s a fucking nightmare to have this many people wandering around and that doesn’t even count the huge swelled masses of legals. The whole thing is going to end in a mad Balkans blow out. I’m not looking forward to it.

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