the russian princess

somebody let a jakesey off the leash.  this, can’t end well.

at the beach.  hanging out with a friend, talking about business.  about starting a law firm, combined with an SEO business, and flunky lawyers, and teenage webcam-phonesex operators.  he’s turned 2 mil into 40 in 11 years, the man’s up on his game.  plus he kites and has bitches in half a dozen countries.  that’s people worth having conversations with, right over hiah.

semi serious about it, too.  there’ll be meetings to fly to.  obviously.  sluts and lawyers.  and money.  the holy trinity of all amusement.

we’re paying the bill.  getting ready to leave.  and there she is.

tall.  blonde.  blue eyed.  wearing the most tightest, most revealing one piece bathing suit of ever.  wide vertical red and white stripes, like hands running up and down that tight ass body.  fucking sexy.  doesn’t remotely cover her ass.  and seriously it shows everything.  every.  thing.

to yikes-yes-please town, james!

as we’re walking away, dude goes, jake.  i can’t believe you of all people would walk away from this.  i’d imagine you probably going to turn around and go back there and have another drink at the beach.  he’s one cold dude.  right to pushing your buttons.

another set of props, too.  60+ years old, man’s a pimp.  blue eyed, white haired, you could cast this cat as a retired james bond who still slays all over town.  you’d go see that show and fantasize about being old yourself and just that much colder for it.  like youth is a weakness to overcome.  put in the years to get to the level.

i wasn’t going to go back.  to talk to red and white stripes.  other more promising and easier options are lined up.  when’s the last time jakey has taken a full cold shot in the dark, with a western type girl problem?

who knows when, even.

but you can’t show weakness.  i turn around, i walk back there.  white and red stripes.  whoever designed this suit definitely said, whatever you do, i need to see full pussy outline, 100%.  it’s gotta be more defined than if she was actually naked, chinese seamstress.  do you understand?  make this bathing suit out of something that’s like fucking body paint.

before you worry about disappointment in what follow.  don’t.  the game is strong in your boy.

she is trying to get a hold of a guy who she’s supposed to go on a date with.  they’re messaging as her and i talk.  she speaks two dozen words of english.  it’s like wrangling a sea otter, under water.  with your hands tied.  but you’re probably as surprised anybody, a jakey still got a thing for this bizniss.   can’t take the hunt out the tiger.

we end up wandering down the beach.  because you calculate wind drift on your shot and you know she doesn’t have a sim card and once she’s out of wifi range, other dude is toast.  stealing a surfboard from on top of a surf shop roof display.  no waves but i tell her we need to take pictures of her.   pretend to be surfing.

anything to tell a girl what to do, and to straight up tell her to stick her ass out.  more back arching, girl.

girls and cameras, you can’t loose.

afterwards she’s mad at me.  like they’re mad at you after you talked them into a huge, filthy, drug fueled gangbang.  i’m not that kind of girl, jake!  i’m a journalist!  see?

she shows you a million pictures of her awards and famous (actually famous) dudes she’s interviewed.  really trying to roll back the tape on the slutty poses she just spent a half an hour practicing in front of her own cell phone camera.  she’s 24 but one might have been polite if i guessed 28.  yea girl, they’ll stick your face in front of a camera because you’re such a serious journalistic talent.

bodypaint red white striped bathing suit.

and i lied.  it does just get worse from here.

i tell her we need to go to my favorite restaurant.  which is my favorite because it’s next to my house.  but then from here it’s not even worth telling the story.  it’s 5km of her driving 5km/h and being all freaked out.  gotta take her own bike.  then she wants traditional indian drink, da, but not with yoghurt.  oh boy.  and she’s vegetarian but she eats fish but freaks out when the fish arrives because it’s not fillets and she can tell it’s a fish and she wants to throw up.  and then the soup is too spicy and my talking is straining her brain and no she doesn’t want to drink wine because she has to drive and ..

actually i stopped listening at the no-wine moment.  game’s over.

couldn’t work the lets-stop-at-my-place-first card, to break that ice, because the ride to the restaurant already took her little melodramatic russian brain to it’s very limits.  it was already fucked.

no drinking.

still.  a four hour insta-date, ripping away an actually hot, actually russian, actually semi “famous” girl from an intended date.  you’d have to concede that it was a pretty inspired performance.  didn’t know whether a jake actually had any of this left, after babies and asian girls and living the easy life.

jake be proud of hisself.

maybe.  maybe it could have gotten a wee bit closer.  she’s only here two days more though, yesterday and today, which is at least a day off from getting that plane parked in the hangar.  no drinking, and how she reacts to anything remotely physical, plus having to deal with endless drama the whole time.  you gotta wonder.

on the way home, i’m thinking.  this girl is going to be some dude’s nightmare.  total fucking nightmare.

too lazy to put proper emphasis on how bad the melodrama really was the whole time.  the whole entire time, everything was a tragedy.  the surfboard was too slippery.  jake was the devil, she is a serious girl, not sexy girl.  the ride to the restaurant, could have died.  hands shaking, big blue eyes all tearing up when she gets off the bike in the parking lot.  jake.  this, so terrible!  the food and man.  i can never show my face at this, my favorite food place again.  the shit she made every single waiter go through, fucking horrifying.  jake, the men at the table next to us.  they keep staring at me.  i’m so uncomfortable!

the girl is pure horror.  and you know that some dude is going to just see that face, that body and before he knows it, he’ll be married to a girl that’s going to go to full on pill addict, suicidal, drama, wreck.

also of course her boyfriend died.  a year ago.  i’m thinking though, he probably just took his hands of the wheel at some point while she was talking and said fuck it.  it’s just not worth it.

what we take from this?

russians.  added to the list of potential red flags.  girl matches most russian literature you’ve ever read.  yikes, those people.  also, huge confidence boost.  if without any warmup you can still do this, then damn.  reckon with the force, bitches.  impending pregnancies all over eastern europe.

amirite though about russians?  or was this just the worst one of them all …


  1. booshala

    April 11, 2017 at 2:55 am

    you always meet the one-off people… all the Russian bitches I know are ice-cold northern walkers who never betray an ounce of emotion unless it’s steely contempt. Then again, it makes the stories that much better.

    • jakey

      April 11, 2017 at 4:11 am

      good point. was oddly amused the whole time, even though it was rationally a trainwreck of a scene.

    • RussianPotatoVixen

      April 20, 2017 at 7:30 pm

      Russians come in various flavors – common enough to find the princesses such as this outside of Russia, more variety within the country though. I find Russian chicks within Russia are much more down to Earth, much less likely to exhibit western dramatic traits. The real problem is that they’re all smoking hot until about 30, at which point they instantly resemble old potatoes.

  2. Yul Brynner

    April 11, 2017 at 3:43 am

    Nah Jake, that ex boyfriend looked into the future and made her think he was dead.
    But yeah Russian and Israeli women. Salt of the Earth.

    • jakey

      April 11, 2017 at 4:11 am

      salt of the salt mine.

  3. Hoho

    April 11, 2017 at 6:23 am

    I always wonder with these types of girls is maybe they just have never been trained properly by a man. They could become the most sweetest arm candy.

    That is if you had the Saint-like patience to put up with them to get to that point.

    • Thomas G

      April 11, 2017 at 11:16 am

      Worth the effort too, turning lead into gold and such.

      Like an artist, you’re bestowing a woman with the gift of a new, better persona. Carving her into someone better, someone that she’ll be for the rest of her life. Doesn’t get more generous than that.

      Not sure 28y old is not too late for this though…

  4. AlmostAnonymous

    April 11, 2017 at 9:36 am

    …and once she’s out of wifi range, other dude is toast.

    I laughed at that. Nice.+

    Enjoyed the story, even if it didn’t turn out quite the way you planned. If she was really beautiful, then she’s had her whole life of being put on a pedestal. No wonder she was difficult to deal with.

    • AlmostAnonymous

      April 11, 2017 at 9:37 am

      It would take a strong hand to do so, or you could say, “the hell with it” and find a girl a notch or two down who’s a lot less trouble.

      • AlmostAnonymous

        April 11, 2017 at 9:37 am

        (whoops, that reply was for Hoho above)

  5. Dancing Joe Blow

    April 11, 2017 at 1:44 pm

    Congrats jakey, though it sucks that you can’t return to that restaurant now lol

    • jakey

      April 12, 2017 at 12:50 am

      did go back. various dirty looks from the female staff though i’ll just put that in the “oh i want him now” category.

  6. mk

    April 11, 2017 at 4:18 pm

    Date russian, can confirm

  7. Mark

    April 11, 2017 at 6:37 pm

    Impending pregnancies, indeed.

  8. P

    April 11, 2017 at 7:49 pm

    Pics or it didn’t happen.

    • jakey

      April 12, 2017 at 12:49 am

      gonna have to find your own jerk off in mom’s basement material. 😉

  9. Elliot

    April 12, 2017 at 1:05 am

    Russians are an immature people. They have been seen that way for a long time.

    A word of advice about getting it in with them; if they think it’s their last chance to sleep with you, they’re likely to do it. If you can get her to your place on her last night in town, she’ll probably give it up because she figures it’s now or never.


  10. Halsten

    April 12, 2017 at 5:02 am

    Can confirm about the Russians. My ex was a wannabe Russian instagram model, and it was endless drama. Just a constant mix of a pretty face, gorgeous body and completely unnecessary aggression.

  11. afox

    April 12, 2017 at 12:45 pm

    “we end up wandering down the beach. because you calculate wind drift on your shot and you know she doesn’t have a sim card and once she’s out of wifi range, other dude is toast. ”

    That’s the sort of sneaky insight we pay the cedonulli subscription fee for.

    I’ve said it before, melodramatic girls need the pimp hand. Completely metaphorically of course. Never dated a Russian girl, but just looking at YouTube videos of Russian guys breaking both legs jumping off buildings and then trying to walk them off… you know you’ve got a pimp hand culture there.

    Potato looking men and vixen-looking women… pimp hand culture.

    • RussianPotatoVixen

      April 20, 2017 at 7:22 pm

      “Potato looking men and vixen-looking women”

      Absolutely Russia – in a nutshell. Brilliantly put.

  12. Le` Coupe

    April 13, 2017 at 11:35 pm

    Jakey face …. I like it. Didn’t oer extend, just pushed enough and walked away when you needed to. Respect bro dude face!!

  13. Gulliver

    April 14, 2017 at 7:27 am

    All the Russian literature I’ve read was 150 years old. The women do sound high maintenance. Imagine if British women were still like Jane Austen characters.

    Some girls just can’t handle Asia, their brains go haywire with the weird food and traffic.

    Feels like half the “cold approaches” I ever do are when a friend pushed me into it. Usually I’m like, remind me why I don’t do this more often?

    Glad the site is back.

    • jakey

      April 15, 2017 at 1:19 am

      very true, “why don’t i do this more often”. was thinking the exact same thing.

  14. Sam

    April 20, 2017 at 9:03 am

    “…he probably just took his hands of the wheel at some point while she was talking and said fuck it. it’s just not worth it….”

    HAHHA much amusement.

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